So along with my eating disorder, I also suffer from anxiety. I have the inability to shut my mind off. I can not sit still...watching a whole movie? Torture...staying home doing nothing all day? Madness. It's not that I have to be productive. Quite the contrary actually. I think I make more of a mess, but at least I'm busy. Paul calls it chaotic--he says "my Goodness babe, look at your car!" And yes, the passenger side mirror is missing, but that was HARDLY my fault. I mean, a very coniving, devious Vulture flew into my car and wham, took it off for crying out loud. Did he know that I was already traumatized by all birds because of the terrifying yet genius "The Birds" movie by Alfred Hitchcock? Yes, I believe so.
I was on my way to work and all of the sudden --boom-- a Vulture crashes into me. A freaked out 5'1" tall nurse on the side of the road trembling and the nice wonderful person who stopped to help me started laughing histerically. He informed me that Vultures have self induced vomiting skills and self induced defication skills. They DEFICATE on their legs to scare away their enemies. What? These birds are bulimic? So that was not my fault...
But back to my anxiety diagnosis, (which my doctor said I don't have an anxiety disorder, I just suffer from anxiety. Don't they sound identical? So confused).
I have decided that anxiety only occurs in true geniuses. Why? Because we are ALWAYS thinking, over analyzing, busy,can not quiet our brains--our brains are over active--many suffer from insomnia (it's 2:58 am and I am lying on the rug writing and yes, I have to work at 5 am...oh, and now I'm video taping a baby ant that I have found in my bathroom because hello? Where there is a baby ant, there must be a mommy ant right? Not in my house. I will not have ants because they are really brilliant and strong and tiny...
But a lot of people do not understand how debilitating anxiety can be. And I feel like it's inescapable. It's in my brain...I can not separate myself from my brain.
"I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth: Even when everything'sgoing your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can't always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect." --Jenny Lawson
I have learned that what causes a lot of my anxiety is pretending or hiding or comparison or unrealistic expectations. FAILING my very own preconceived notions of who I want to be. When I was little, I "fixed it" by doing everything I could to be loved and accepted. I learned really young to be whoever that certain person I was currently talking to, love me. I was who you desired. I pushed away who I really was. I stuffed down REALLY deep what made Lissa happy--I became LOST. I became envious and jealous of people's personalities, of their perfection, their talents, attention, popularity and acceptance. I then let this rule my every decision. It was what drove me.
LOST
Now, as a 34 year old woman, I do not know what actually DOES make me happy. Stuffed down deep. Hidden somewhere.
So here is what I've realized.
**I am seeking self approval. I am searching for my OWN acceptance. I'm letting go of the constant debilitating drive to be loved by everyone, and learn to be driven by the desire to find self acceptance and contentment**
I encourage you to do the same.
I am currently listening to Lindsey Stirling's "The Arena" to fit my mood.
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