The most brilliant way to cure turmoil in your life!

So...I kinda went into hiding recently, so I apologize for my absence. 

It seems like there are seasons in my life where turmoil seems to be all around all around. There is only one thing that I can control, and that is myself. So when life, that is happening all around me is chaotic, and all I can do is feel paralyzed and frozen...the worst thing I can do is cripple in my eating disorder, or my anxiety, or my isolation. 

I cling to the tried and true Serenity Prayer a lot of the times. 

So at this point all I want is silence, but really what is the best, what is the most magical sound in this world is this angel. You MUST listen to the entire 27 seconds. It is like chicken soup for the soul (which is weird because why would I want to pour hot soup onto my soul with the chance that the chicken may get stuck in my esophagus and really, is chicken soup what brings most people comfort?  Because in terms of food, I hear people talk about chocolate, or fried chicken and mashed potatoes...for me it's hot tamales candy, candy corn, tootsie pops, and sushi...but really it's music. But REALLY,  it is NOT when my dog quasimodo poots because nobody wants to come over because my entire house reeks of rotten, nose hair burning dooky. What was this post about to begin with? What am I even talking about?  I hope Paul doesn't read this one).


My debilitating ANXIETY and the traumatizing Vulture

So along with my eating disorder, I also suffer from anxiety.  I have the inability to shut my mind off. I can not sit still...watching a whole movie? Torture...staying home doing nothing all day? Madness. It's not that I have to be productive.  Quite the contrary actually.  I think I make more of a mess, but at least I'm busy. Paul calls it chaotic--he says "my Goodness babe, look at your car!" And yes, the passenger side mirror is missing,  but that was HARDLY my fault. I mean, a very coniving, devious Vulture flew into my car and wham, took it off for crying out loud.  Did he know that I was already traumatized by all birds because of the terrifying yet genius "The Birds" movie by Alfred Hitchcock? Yes, I believe so.

I was on my way to work and all of the sudden --boom-- a Vulture crashes into me. A freaked out 5'1" tall nurse on the side of the road trembling and the nice wonderful person who stopped to help me started laughing histerically. He informed me that Vultures have self induced vomiting skills and self induced defication skills. They DEFICATE on their legs to scare away their enemies.  What? These birds are bulimic? So that was not my fault...

But back to my anxiety diagnosis, (which my doctor said I don't have an anxiety disorder, I just suffer from anxiety. Don't they sound identical? So confused).

I have decided that anxiety only occurs in true geniuses. Why? Because we are ALWAYS thinking, over analyzing, busy,can not quiet our brains--our brains are over active--many suffer from insomnia  (it's 2:58 am and I am lying on the rug writing and yes, I have to work at 5 am...oh, and now I'm video taping a baby ant that I have found in my bathroom because hello? Where there is a baby ant, there must be a mommy ant right? Not in my house. I will not have ants because they are really brilliant and strong and tiny...

But a lot of people do not understand how debilitating anxiety can be.  And I feel like it's inescapable.  It's in my brain...I can not separate myself from my brain.

"I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth: Even when everything'sgoing your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can't always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect." --Jenny Lawson 

I have learned that what causes a lot of my anxiety is pretending or hiding or comparison or unrealistic expectations.  FAILING my very own preconceived notions of who I want to be.  When I was little, I "fixed it" by doing everything I could to be loved and accepted.  I learned really young to be whoever that certain person I was currently talking to, love me. I was who you desired. I pushed away who I really was.  I stuffed down REALLY deep what made Lissa happy--I became LOST. I became envious and jealous of people's personalities, of their perfection, their talents, attention, popularity and acceptance.  I then let this rule my every decision. It was what drove me.


Now, as a 34 year old woman, I do not know what actually DOES make me happy.  Stuffed down deep. Hidden somewhere. 

So here is what I've realized. 

**I am seeking self approval.  I am searching for my OWN acceptance. I'm letting go of the constant debilitating drive to be loved by everyone, and learn to be driven by the desire to find self acceptance and contentment**

I encourage you to do the same. 

I am currently listening to Lindsey Stirling's "The Arena" to fit my mood. 


Google thinks my teeth are jacked up

So one of my all time favorite heros in my life, Jenny Lawson, encouraged me to do this Internet thing where you ask Google to auto predict what it thinks you need and what it thinks you have...then you Google your name and then likes (ex: Lissa likes... ) to see what Google really thinks about you. And well, you can just decide for yourself.

Well, for one Google doesn't like my name which is  Lissa. NOT Lisa. Let's get that straight.  Also Google thinks my teeth are all jacked up And I need to get a dental plan. And apparently I like Nelson....whoever the heck that is (maybe from a Simpsons episode?) I told Paul about my Google crush Nelson...he wasn't too worried.  I am going to be looking for Nelson because apparently I like him. Or wait, one thing says that I like Nelson, no I dont. Oh nevermind....

Google obviously doesn't think very highly of my teeth. Moral of the story? Beauty fades and is all in the eyes of the beholder.  So contentment is what I'm after. Maybe Google can help me out here....nah, Google seems to be clueless.  

I want inner peace. I want true self love. I am searching for self confidence and contentment.  Often my strongest downfall is my own unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I become a failure in my own eyes and begin to experience extreme ANXIETY and LACK of SELF CONTROL. 
But basically....this is how I feel:

This is where my insanity sets in. I subconsciously believe that truly I have not only failed myself,  but the entire world. I then find solace in the control and success I have over food. I begin filling my mind with things I know I won't fail at. This subconsciously brings me a false inner peace...but really, truthfully inner turmoil.  Escaping this safety zone becomes the scariest thing, but worse, it becomes an inescapable suffocating doom that I have no idea how to escape from. On my next blog post,  I will tell you some tricks that help me and that work for me, but basically it all comes down to this: two three, one two three breathe...shake it off...let it go. Let it go. This mountain in your life can be moved, or climbed, or at least we can throw eggs at it. But no matter what, you are not alone.  Whatever feelings,  craziness,  insanity you feel, believe me...I have been there.  We've got this.  We have so so got this. 


Lissa's Eating disorder testimony remixed with Matisyahu's Warrior

Listen to Live Like A Warrior Remix (master) by Tyler J Fuller #np on #SoundCloud

Eating disorder facts and statistics

Here are some quite disturbing eating disorder facts and statistics:

This is a picture of me from the talents of Madi Stacey 

About 1/2 of all women are unhappy with their bodies.

Eating disorders tend to run in families. The risk of developing an eating disorder is 40-50% genetic  and 50-60% is psychological.

Eating disorders in children less than 12 years of age increased by 119% from 1999 to 2006.

Eating disorders are the #1 deadliest mental illness.

1/2 of 4th grade girls are on a diet.

42% of 1st -3rd graders want to be thinner 
81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat.
70% of 18-30 year olds don't like their bodies. 
60% of middle-agedpeople remain unsatisfied. 

Females with anorexia between the ages of 15-24 are 12 times more likely to die from the illness than all other causes of death. 

In the US, eating disorders are more common than Alzheimers 

As many as 10 million women and 1 million men currently have an eating disorder.  

Educate the world.  Spread awareness of this deadly, growing serious disorder.


Why your best friend should make your face hurt

My best friend Loribell sent me this picture of us and clearly you can see I'm in pain. Well, not clearly because we look deliriously happy, but my face ached for like a whole day after that night because we were laughing and smiling way too much, which brings me a few thoughts...
ONE, they say laughter is the best medicine....and yes it is for the soul, but it totally sucks for face cramps, but face cramps builds strong cheek muscles so you can eat overly chewy things like a there's that...
TWO, laughing that hard means that for a few hours all the hard crappy stuff in my life disappeared from my obsessive thoughts...
THREE, smiling and laughing that hard with your best friend really builds up an appetite, so for those of you who suffer from an eating disorder like me can understand how priceless actually wanting to eat in the company of another HUMAN truly is (plus a laughter forms core muscle, an added bonus).
FOUR, oh, I forgot about stress so nevermind even making number 4 a point
Thus the life lesson learned here is that everyone should have blissful moments like this in their lives. Everyone should have a soul mate they can completely let their guard down and forget the cappy burdens on their soul.
PS Thus (I may have just created a mind blowing new PS) best friends and laughter really are the best medicine...and therapy...(and way cheaper than counseling)

The daily crazies

So I have this crazy ability to memorize songs and numbers and other weird things (like how many tiles are in my bathroom, steps to my mom's condo, etc) which brings me to the fact that I often decide to break out into 90s rap music at the most inopportune times. Today I felt it was wise to rap salt n pepa shoop shoop to one of my patients. That ended quite awkward when the doctor walked in as I was getting in my groove. But the good news is that my husband Paul hates it so much that I use it to my advantage to get what I want. For example, if he wants to dunk me while swimming in miserably cold spring water, I simply threaten that if he does that then I will rap a whole song. I win every time. Thus, this weird talent is quite magical!