My name is Lissa. I am 34 years old and a Registered Nurse. I was raised with the belief that the most important thing in life is to be accepted and loved by everyone. To be everyone's favorite, to have the perfect reputation, to not only succeed at everything, but be the best at everything I put my mind to. I trained my little soul that I could win everyone's love by being exactly who they wanted. I set perfectionist, unrealistic expectations on myself and if I "failed" I felt like a complete failure. This was ingrained in me. This is what drove my every decision. I learned to stuff down any "negative" emotion (sadness, frustration, anger, etc.) I LIVED IN FEAR DAILY that if I expressed any of these emotions, I would lose the love and acceptance from everyone. To me, this is what laid the foundation for my eating disorder. As an adult I realized I had no idea who I was, what made me happy, or any feelings of confidence. My confidence had always come from the love, attention and acceptance I got from others. I felt empty, insecure and lost. I got married and once again miserably failed my own expectations. I was a failure and I was hurting. I subconsciously started obsessing about calories, weight loss and food. I was successful at losing weight. This numbed my pain. It became a FIERCE and aggressive addiction. It snow balled fast. I started to not even know how to function if I didn't feel the pain of starvation. If I didn't feel hungry, I felt out of control.
So, how to escape? How to break free? I was 62 lbs and smelt like decaying flesh... because I was actively dying. My eating disorder had brainwashed me to be horrified of food and to hate most all food. I was terrified. I could not eat. I needed help.
After inpatient treatment, I learned to deal with the demons beneath the eating disorder. It's ok to disappoint people. Those "negative" emotions need to be felt. Confidence comes from within my soul.
Now that I am in recovery and a mother of an adopted three-year-old I am trying to relearn and reintroduce the different foods, flavors, spices, textures and variety back into my life that my eating disorder previously forbid. To finally allow myself to taste enjoy and nourish my body with food. My primary motivation is to offer help to the Millions of victims of eating disorders. To show them that food is a privilege not a punishment. To show them that recovery is possible and it is possible to have a positive experience eating. I am slowly introducing foods that I have deleted from my life, tasting experiencing and learning what I enjoy and what I love. I am extremely open and willing to any all, to shine light into the pits, sometimes disgusting and uncomfortable, places that my eating disorder took me.
So make a list of what makes you happy. What makes recovery...the grueling, daily fight...worth it?
For me, it is this....my amazing, brilliant, fun adopted 3 year old.
Where there was darkness, a light shown through and pierced it.
The summer between my freshman year, I was eating 400 calories a day, and trying to exercise and burn 10,000 calories. I had felt like a failure my entire life. Finally it is over but I hear you. You think your life will be great if you could just be skinny. I will continue to read your blog.
ReplyDeleteJeffery @ New Dawn Treatment Centers