A Conversation with an Eating Disorder

A CONVERSATION WITH AN EATING DISORDER

Have you ever spent time around someone who is dying? If you have, you know the distinct smell. If you haven’t, I assure you it’s a smell you’ll never forget.

I wouldn’t describe it as a gross, or even a rotten smell. It’s certainly not the kind of scent that is so pungent it burns your nostrils or startles you. No, to the contrary, it’s subtle, almost slightly sweet and slightly bitter at the same time.

It’s the smell of death and that scent used to linger around me all the time. At fist I tried to ignore it, then I tried to cover it, but after six months it hovered over me at all times. I couldn’t escape it. The smell of impending doom was coming from inside me and it became suffocating.

http://www.focusdirectionrecovery.com/a-conversation-with-an-eating-disorder/4562?utm_source=www.focusdirectionrecovery.com&utm_medium=article&utm_campaign=es_b1

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Road Work, 1 Mile

So you would never guess this, but I am married to a youth pastor.  He is a really private person who (unfortunately for him) married an obnoxiously outgoing and extroverted (and let's just face it, beautiful) girl. He was well aware of what he was getting himself into, so don't you dare feel sorry for him! I am NOT a private person, and share everything! (I am a good secret keeper though I must say). Anyways, we were driving to the Pensacola fair yesterday so Zay could go to all three fairs in our area (if you consider 1 1/2 hours drive local). Oh fine, here is a picture or two and maybe a video...

Oh, and as he went down this slide he was totally saying "holy crap! Holy crap!" Which, please, that came straight from his daddy's mouth. And there was this lady who had a REALLY BAD case of bangs, that was shaking her head in disapproval. 

Mommy's own magical fairyland right here. $24 worth of candy for yours truly! 

 He is just way to freaking precious. 

So back to the point of my post. On our way home from the fair, Paul was telling me that he gave a sermon (or message or something like preaching but he does not like to say he preaches...come on) on Hannah Montana Movie after having the middle school aged kids in our youth group watch it. Wait, what? 

"Hannah Montana the Movie" trailer 

Then he goes on to tell me that you can make a sermon or a life lesson out of anything.  So after I threatened him with violence, I decided to test him with a game I like to call...babe, that's ridiculous.  I started to point to things and force him to tell me where he would go with that "life lesson" (by the way he hated this game for sure). For example he saw a road work orange cone thing and said that those cones are there to protect us, not just hinder or narrow our pathway, but to protect us from crashing, going the wrong way, etc. Sometimes God puts cones in our lives and (blah blah blah).

Freaking sure enough HE WAS RIGHT!! 

So my favorite one of the night was 

"Road Work, 1 mile"

Road construction SUCKS! It's annoying, inconvenient, tests my patience, brings our my frustration and anger, but you know what? It makes the roads better! It fills up and fixes potentially dangerous and harmful pot holes. It's not a finished product yet. It is not complete and will be ugly and annoying until it is complete! 

ISN'T THAT LIFE??? Like really truly! God's working on my crap right now. It's ugly, it's orange and gives you a headache...and most of us need a warning sign! But I am not finished yet. I'm growing. I'm still being pruned. How refreshing.  And annoying. 

Currently listening to 

Gungor "This is Not the End"

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Change. Letting Go. Seasons. Pain. Freedom

I have VERY exciting news! I am in the process of creating a charity to help send girls and boys suffering from eating disorders to treatment.  I am not sure if I have shared that my 3 months of inpatient eating disorder treatment cost $150,000 out of pocket. Insurance would not cover 1 cent. Most people can not afford this. I am confident that had I not gotten the intense inpatient treatment I did I would not be alive today. 

SOOOOO...my talented and dear friend Hannah Craft Vermillion and I have been working together to design a logo that signifies eating disorders using a powerful word and the national eating disorder symbol. I plan to create t shirts, coffee mugs, etc. 100% of all proceeds  will go to a scholarship to help as many as possible afford treatment.  

This is my passion and my vision. 

STAY TUNED!!

Today's post is about change and letting go.

10/19/16

My favorite season of the entire year is Autumn. I love the October orange sunset, the beautiful gold harvest moons, the crisp air that remind me of so many happy memories, and all the gorgeous changing colors. (Although living in the Panhandle of Florida we are limited to colored leaves). Oh and really the best part hands down is the candy corn and the excitement about holiday Marshmellow Peeps!! However, Watching the Fall turn into Winter reminds us that letting go can be beautiful.  We can learn a lot from watching the seasons.  Letting go can be very difficult at times. Change can feel UNCOMFORTABLE , SCARY and ANXIOUS.

Think about things in your life that you need to let go of. What weighs you down? What are you carrying around DAILY that is a HEAVY BURDEN? For me it is the CONSTANT drive to be a perfectionistic being, which is driven by the desire to please everyone, to be ACCEPTED by everyone,  to be everyone's favorite, and to be LOVED. If I can let go of this then I know I'll live more freely. Remove the veil that blocks you from freeing yourself from experiencing true happiness and joy.

One thing I never realized was that not forgiving someone,  even if they don't want it or ask for it was a really heavy burden. It was affecting me more than that person. But I did not think I had the capacity to forgive them, so I started small. I began to pray for their well being... (not that they would be convicted of their wrongdoings or learn their lessons), but that they would find true happiness.  The fact of the ma\er was that carrying around the weight of unforgiveness was affecting me entirely more than them. Once I let that grudge go I felt a weight of freedom.  Letting go is a part of this change. Free yourself. 

Change is hard. Here are some quotes that have helped me

I am currently listening to Lindsey Stirling's Song of the caged bird to help ease the pain of change.

Lindsey Stirling "Song of the Caged Bird"

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Music That Saves my Life and Rescues my Soul

Music is a very big part of my recovery.  These are songs that have rescued me from the depths time and time again.  When my Eating Disorder voice is screaming at me and my urges to "use" are strong, I can choose to distract myself with healing music. These songs are my top choices for music therapy. There are many different healing therapies to engage in. Eating Disorders are absolutely not a choice, but choosing to make the next right decision is. Check some of my top choices.  I will continue to add to this list as my love for music allows me to discover more and more.

Enjoy!
Lissa

Macklemore "Otherside"

B. Reith ft. Lecrae and Lisa Gungor "Made For More"

Lindsey Stirling "Shatter Me"

Regina Spektor "Firewood"

Macklemore "Starting Over"

Regina Spektor "Obsolete"

Frou Frou "Let Go"

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Free Your Inner Child! Mind Blowing Lessons from my 3 year old.

So Zay has this oh my goodness ridiculous crazy obsession with Mario...all things Mario Brothers related really. It's ALLLLLLL he ever thinks about. Which, to a mommy is super annoying and kinda cute, and to a daddy he wins mega cool dad points,   (what the heck is that anyways? I mean I keep hearing "way to go Paul!" And "scored dad points!" Is there some kind of feministic rally I should be attending about this issue?) It has become such an obsessive fixation, that everywhere he walks, he is saying "yahoo", "it's a  me, Mario!" "Yah!" And all the other noises you hear in this Mario Brothers world. He walks, talks, jumps, runs, and climbs in character. At. All. Times. 

Here is a SAMPLE of his collection:

(He was terrified of his own reflection, but insisted that I took a picture to send to daddy)

So last night we were both asleep and I heard through our baby monitor  (yes, we still use a baby monitor,  but I think it's really for me to hear Zay's white noise machine to drown out Paul's snoring. Selfish mommy) I heard him talking in his sleep in Mario character! So I went into his room to spy on him of course, and get this....Isaiah was fully asleep, laughing and giggling in a true Mario/Luigi obstacle course! His arms were moving when he would make that jumping noise and just having a complete ball!

Lesson? Point?? How incredibly fun and carefree is that? Can we just take a minute to think about this Mind blowing insight from a 3 year old?  Let's try and live life without carrying the heavy burdens this extremely difficult experience of simply existing brings us. Life is tough. We go through a lot of really crappy things. I know that I let these burdens weigh me down, stress me out, and at times paralyze me. But I think Zay has a point.  Walking around saying "yahoo" and "yah!" Well, it's fun. It forces you to have a positive outlook on living...that vital existence.  It gave me a sense of optimism which naturally I sometimes lack.

Which brings me to this extremely important point...Let your inner child out to play. Free her or him. Search within your soul, your spirit, for that lost, innocent being.  Then let that new discoverydrive some of your next decisions. Here's motivation,  go swinging in the park. Buy a balloon and just carry it around in public. Say a little more "Yahoos!"

Definition of Life:

1. Vitality. Life is the state of actual living. Vitality is the power of living or the capacity of maintaining life. 

This is a picture of Zay in Mario's green pipe that takes him to his magical secret underworld! 

I am currently listening to

 Regina Spektor's The Light

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The Anatomy of my Eating Disorder, the dark scary truth.

Anorexic at 62 lbs, I am a living miracle.

My name is Lissa. I am 34 years old and a Registered Nurse. I was raised with the belief that the most important thing in life is to be accepted and loved by everyone.  To be everyone's favorite, to have the perfect reputation,  to not only succeed at everything,  but be the best at everything I put my mind to.  I trained my little soul that I could win everyone's love by being exactly who they wanted. I set perfectionist, unrealistic expectations on myself and if I "failed" I felt like a complete failure.  This was ingrained in me. This is what drove my every decision. I learned to stuff down any "negative" emotion (sadness, frustration, anger, etc.) I LIVED IN FEAR DAILY that if I expressed any of these emotions, I would lose the love and acceptance from everyone.  To me, this is what laid the foundation for my eating disorder.  As an adult I realized I had no idea who I was, what made me happy, or any feelings of confidence.  My confidence had always come from the love, attention and acceptance I got from others. I felt empty, insecure and lost. I got married and once again miserably failed my own expectations.  I was a failure and I was hurting. I subconsciously started obsessing about calories, weight loss and food. I was successful at losing weight. This numbed my pain. It became a FIERCE and aggressive addiction.  It snow balled fast. I started to not even know how to function if I didn't feel the pain of starvation.  If I didn't feel hungry, I felt out of control.

So, how to escape? How to break free? I was 62 lbs and smelt like decaying flesh... because I was actively dying.  My eating disorder had brainwashed me to be horrified of food and to hate most all food. I was terrified.  I could not eat. I needed help.

After inpatient treatment,  I learned to deal with the demons beneath the eating disorder.  It's ok to disappoint people. Those "negative" emotions need to be felt. Confidence comes from within my soul.

Now that I am in recovery and a mother of an adopted three-year-old I am trying to relearn and reintroduce the different foods, flavors, spices, textures and variety back into my life that my eating disorder previously forbid. To finally allow myself to taste enjoy and nourish my body with food. My primary motivation is to offer help to the Millions of victims of eating disorders. To show them that food is a privilege not a punishment. To show them that recovery is possible and it is possible to have a positive experience eating. I am slowly introducing foods that I have deleted from my life, tasting experiencing and learning what I enjoy and what I love. I am extremely open and willing to any all, to shine light into the pits, sometimes disgusting and uncomfortable, places that my eating disorder took me.

So make a list of what makes you happy.  What makes recovery...the grueling, daily fight...worth it?

For me, it is this....my amazing, brilliant, fun adopted 3 year old.

Where there was darkness,  a light shown through and pierced it.

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Google thinks my teeth are jacked up

So one of my all time favorite heros in my life, Jenny Lawson, encouraged me to do this Internet thing where you ask Google to auto predict what it thinks you need and what it thinks you have...then you Google your name and then likes (ex: Lissa likes... ) to see what Google really thinks about you. And well, you can just decide for yourself.

Well, for one Google doesn't like my name which is  Lissa. NOT Lisa. Let's get that straight.  Also Google thinks my teeth are all jacked up And I need to get a dental plan. And apparently I like Nelson....whoever the heck that is (maybe from a Simpsons episode?) I told Paul about my Google crush Nelson...he wasn't too worried.  I am going to be looking for Nelson because apparently I like him. Or wait, one thing says that I like Nelson, no I dont. Oh nevermind....

Google obviously doesn't think very highly of my teeth. Moral of the story? Beauty fades and is all in the eyes of the beholder.  So contentment is what I'm after. Maybe Google can help me out here....nah, Google seems to be clueless.  

I want inner peace. I want true self love. I am searching for self confidence and contentment.  Often my strongest downfall is my own unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I become a failure in my own eyes and begin to experience extreme ANXIETY and LACK of SELF CONTROL. 

But basically....this is how I feel:

This is where my insanity sets in. I subconsciously believe that truly I have not only failed myself,  but the entire world. I then find solace in the control and success I have over food. I begin filling my mind with things I know I won't fail at. This subconsciously brings me a false inner peace...but really, truthfully inner turmoil.  Escaping this safety zone becomes the scariest thing, but worse, it becomes an inescapable suffocating doom that I have no idea how to escape from. On my next blog post,  I will tell you some tricks that help me and that work for me, but basically it all comes down to this:

Breathe...one two three, one two three breathe...shake it off...let it go. Let it go. This mountain in your life can be moved, or climbed, or at least we can throw eggs at it. But no matter what, you are not alone.  Whatever feelings,  craziness,  insanity you feel, believe me...I have been there.  We've got this.  We have so so got this. 

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Lissa's Eating disorder testimony remixed with Matisyahu's Warrior

Listen to Live Like A Warrior Remix (master) by Tyler J Fuller #np on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/tyler-j-fuller/live-like-a-warrior-remix-master

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Life changing lesson learned

You know I was raised by this motto "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." My upbringing was shaped around the belief that you should always smile, say positive things, never show your anger, sadness, frustration, etc. I started to become extremely guilty when I had any "negative" emotions. For years and years I pushed these feelings down deeper and deeper. I was not aware of this until one day at treatment. This challenge made the scales fall from my eyes: 

I was participating in an obstacle course at Remuda Ranch where I was in Eating Disorder treatment. It was a rope course where we were supposed to try and figure out how to complete the challenge. All the other patients had gotten through the course rather quickly, but I struggled and struggled for almost 3 hours without finding the solution. Finally I said "I can not figure it out, I need help." And then I was told that that was the solution. Asking for help. 

At debriefing time I was asked "Lissa, were you frustrated? Angry? Annoyed?" I replied "oh my word yes! I was so frustrated!!" I was then told "do you know that you never broke a smile? Never uttered a negative word? Kept on like you were having fun?" 

Here is what I took from that. It is ok to be upset, sad, angry. Those are healthy emotions. Don't repress them. Don't stuff them down. Don't be ashamed or guilty of them. Learn to express them in a healthy way.

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